WHAT TO DO WITH WEDDING RINGS
July 17th, 2008 by sandysea
One of the questions which comes to mind when you lose your spouse is whether or not you wish to remove your rings. You may also question when is the appropriate time. And you may also hear advice from family and friends about how to handle these deeply personal questions.
The night my husband died I was told by the mortuary to remove his wedding ring. Wow. OK. I was in shock. I did it. For security purposes, they said. Not sure what that meant, but I had no energy for questioning. I did what I was told.
I placed the ring on my finger, but I was afraid I would lose it. I had to keep it close to me. It was a symbol of our love. It now became a tangible way to stay close to him while at the same time feeling so very lonely.
I decided to put his ring on a chain around my neck, very close to my heart. it helped me feel close and it brought comfort.
A couple months later my ring finger began to itch beneath my own rings. There was no physical reason for this irritation. Intuitively I sensed it was time to remove them. But taking them off brought up so many feelings. There seemed to be a new finality to our relationship. There were feelings of guilt. There were feelings of disloyalty.
After several days I was actually able to remove the rings from my finger. It seemed appropriate to add them to his ring on the chain around my neck.
Surprisingly, within a couple weeks I felt like it was time to remove the necklace of rings. I placed the rings in a special heart-shaped box where they remain to this day. I open it on occasion and smile in gratitude for the shared life represented by these rings.
Removing the rings is a milestone that we each must handle in our own way. Trust your feelings. You will know what is right for you.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:26 am
How good it was to read the blog on wedding bands. I lost my husband 11/07 and as you know it’s been tough.
Reading in bed one night the chapter in a book was about when to remove your rings. Also that you are now a single person. Well I never thought about it like that. Denial ? I know he’s gone. But that hurt beyond belief. I still wear my rings and am not ready to remove them yet. Perhaps that really makes it final.
Last week I started to clean out closets and drawers. Got rid of a lot of my things. His are in plastic bags just sitting there. Also spent a lot of time shredding papers with his personal information.
One step at a time is all I can do.
July 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I must admit, I was intrigued by the title of this piece — wondered if anyone else had thought about what to do with his ring. It never occurred to me to let the ring go with him, since it was the one tangible piece of him left to me. We’d even had the same thing inscribed inside our wedding bands.
The problem was that his ring is far too big for me to wear on my hand; I wear it on a chain around my neck, and have since the day he died. I even kept it on through an EKG.
The other change I made was to leave my engagement and anniversary bands on my left hand (gifts from him, both) and to move my wedding band to my right hand — a widow’s band. Whether I see it as a triangle or circle, I still feel protected by him, surrounded by him.
I don’t know whether I’ll ever take my rings off — our kids’ll probably have to pry them off my stiff cadaver whenever my time comes to join him. And they can take his ring from me then, too.
For now, for today, I choose to wear the rings.
He may be gone, but the contract’s still in force; the rings are mine now, but I still belong to him wherever he is.
August 16th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
The day before my husband died the thought of if I should remove his ring crossed my mind. Then later that day I had my answer when I stepped on it. He had lost so much weight it had fallen off.
A local jeweler made it into a necklace. I love wearing it.
I took my ring off six months after his death, not because I wanted to but because I had gained so much weight if I did not take it off it would need to be cut off. I had it resized for my right hand. I am back to my normal weight, and when alone sometimes I wistfully slip it on to my left hand.
August 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
My husband passed away suddenly from cardiac arrest last Dec. (2007). I did not even think about his ring until the funeral director asked if I wanted his ring ~~ just before we closed his casket for the final time. Neither one of us could get the ring over his knuckle, so he still has it on. I did want it to wear on a necklace, but it wasn’t meant to be, evidently.
As far as my wedding rings, I still wear them on my left hand where I have worn a wedding band and engagement ring since we married 39 yrs ago. My hand is just too bare w/o them.
I have been thinking about having the engagement diamond and the diamonds in my band reset or remade into another ring.
Some other widows I know have had a widow ring made to wear on their left hand. Usually it has black diamonds, and some seem to use some of their diamonds from wedding rings with it. I had never heard of a widow’s ring. So, not so sure about them.
Anyway, right now, mine are still where they have been for years.
September 7th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
My husband passed away in November 2007, from a massive heart attack. He had the attack on Nov. 2, and passed away on Nov. 5, 2007 so I had him for 3 days in the hospital. I have and will continue to thank God that he came to enough one night and was fully conscious for him to hear me tell him I loved him and for him to nod and try to speak but he couldn’t as he had a vent in his mouth, but at least I got to tell him and watch him try to tell me he loved me, which is much more than alot of widows are allowed due to sudden deaths. But his right hand and wrist had been amputated, due to vascular disease and he wasn’t allowed to wear anything on his left hand or wrist so he kept his ring on a chain around his neck. Of course the day he went into the hospital I took his ring off the chain and placed it over my own matching wedding band and then put my engagement ring on so it kept his bigger band in place on my hand. I haven’t taken them off since even though it is approaching a year since he’s been gone. Neither one of us wanted this to happen, and I don’t “feel ” single even though in reality I know I am. My mum continues to wear her rings even though its been 8 years since my dad passed away. I have no thoughts of ever taking my rings off…just doesn’t seem the right thing to do for me, so they will stay where they are.
Leslie