http://widow-speak.org/blog/2008/02/04/my-death-wish/ Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:53:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 http://widow-speak.org/blog/2008/02/04/my-death-wish/#comment-16117 jamie Tue, 26 Feb 2008 18:09:42 +0000 http://widow-speak.org/blog/2008/02/04/my-death-wish/#comment-16117 I so related to "My Death Wish" and Maria's comment. My husband died on Oct. 12, 2007, and on that day I wrote in my journal that I wanted to die too. No, it was (and is) not a suicidal death wish, but an aching longing to be with him. But, for reasons unknown to me, it is not my time. So, I wait, for the moment we will be reunited. I so related to “My Death Wish” and Maria’s comment. My husband died on Oct. 12, 2007, and on that day I wrote in my journal that I wanted to die too. No, it was (and is) not a suicidal death wish, but an aching longing to be with him. But, for reasons unknown to me, it is not my time. So, I wait, for the moment we will be reunited.

]]> http://widow-speak.org/blog/2008/02/04/my-death-wish/#comment-16114 Maria Tue, 05 Feb 2008 22:42:18 +0000 http://widow-speak.org/blog/2008/02/04/my-death-wish/#comment-16114 Oh, my God, I'm not alone in feeling this way: I just want to die. I have wanted to die every single day since February 22, 2007. I've had the same death fantasies -- not because I'm suicidal but because I want to be with Mike. I want to take the exit ramp off this road and have him be there waiting for me. My children are grown, though still in grad school/college. I've done my part and want to be done, done, done and gone. I have no idea why I'm still leaving a carbon footprint on this planet -- if I had my druthers, I wouldn't be here. Yet, I go on, begrudgingly, day after day after day. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm here is to grieve, to visit my husband's grave and leave a rose there every time...and ask him to move over. My soul, indeed, has had a large part amputated and I am incomplete. My life as I knew it and the me that was the Mrs. for so long died,too. I just wish the physical me would catch up with the other me. I have loved and lost too much. And I didn't get to say good-bye. Now I'm just waiting to say hello. Oh, my God, I’m not alone in feeling this way: I just want to die. I have wanted to die every single day since February 22, 2007. I’ve had the same death fantasies — not because I’m suicidal but because I want to be with Mike. I want to take the exit ramp off this road and have him be there waiting for me.
My children are grown, though still in grad school/college.
I’ve done my part and want to be done, done, done and gone. I have no idea why I’m still leaving a carbon footprint on this planet — if I had my druthers, I wouldn’t be here.
Yet, I go on, begrudgingly, day after day after day. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m here is to grieve, to visit my husband’s grave and leave a rose there every time…and ask him to move over.
My soul, indeed, has had a large part amputated and I am incomplete. My life as I knew it and the me that was the Mrs. for so long died,too. I just wish the physical me would catch up with the other me.
I have loved and lost too much.
And I didn’t get to say good-bye. Now I’m just waiting to say hello.

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