March 7th, 2007 by

More info, less whining:

I am in a good place right now. I have wonderful opportunities in front of me, and I think that I have finally come to terms with Eric’s passing. For both of those milestones, I am extremely grateful.

However, in moving from merely surviving to living, I am faced with a whole new quandary: how will I now identify myself? For the past year, my life has been a harrowing test of clinging onto sanity’s cliff by one finger…and now that I am safely off of the ledge, I find myself questioning which roles I should assume. I proudly wore the guise of doting girlfriend and supportive wife for almost ten years…and now I am in a strange new place where I’m not quite sure how to act, and I’m not even sure of how to define myself.

Thusly, I am trying on new roles like a five-year-old playing dress up in her mother’s closet. However, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that, at twenty-six years of age, I should have all of this figured out already.

As I try to move on with my life, I am chained to an invisible weight of guilt. I plan to start having a social life, and have started caring about my appearance again, and wanting to seem attractive to others…but even as I put on makeup where there was none for so many months, I can’t help but feel as if I am cheating on my lovely Eric. I know that the guilt is unfounded, and that he would want me to be happy, but those thoughts do little to assuage the feelings of infidelity.

I am so fortunate to finally have reached this plateau, but it seems as if I have traded one problem for another.

I can’t believe that it has been almost a year that he has been gone.

I need some direction. Widowhood is a long and arduous journey, and I have reached yet another crossroads…

2 Responses to “identity”

  1. Rose Pedroia Says:

    Guilt is part of the process for some of us and I have to think that it will dwindle with time like the other feelings. I have that same guilt with a sunny day the time changes and things my husband loved. You are a young woman that this happened to much to early and at 56 I feel the same confusion, go with your gut, celebrate Eric’s life thru living yours fully.

  2. Suchandra Chakraborty Says:

    I became a widow at 48 and the first thought was that the sky had fallen, as my husband of 28 years Dipak died of a sudden massive heart attack. My elder daughter had just been married and the younger one, ten years younger was still in school. But faith in God, was my main source of support and sustenance . Slowly and steadily things began to fall into place and now seven yaers later I will say that I am a stronger and more self supportive . So I think despite Eric’s early demise I feel if you have a strong faith that God is always there for you then the pain of seperation , any feeling of guilt and worries about facing the world will definitely disappear gradually.

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